I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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