none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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