I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
high people should be assigned attendants
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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