If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize