You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize