we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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