I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
