Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize