there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
