wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
