there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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