yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
