sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
