I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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