At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
