I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
