I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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