So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
