News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
