I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I supernannyed him into submission
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize