So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
