I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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