life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
