I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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