Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
