Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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