When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
