Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
