the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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