Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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