My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
