I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
