plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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