I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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