I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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