Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
