just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
