whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
