Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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