Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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