Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
