my phone needs a breathalizer
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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