my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
