She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just had sex on a roof
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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