I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
ugly people sure do ruin things
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
