do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
