I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's just like the Real World with babies
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
