I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
