i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
