dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So I just went to clothing optional bar
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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