I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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