After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
