I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
