What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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