I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
