Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
