Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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