i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
