conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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