The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
